Interviews! If there is an experience we hope for and dread at the same time.
My worst interview experience was with Dr. Mitzuko, a Japanese PhD running this outfit in Africa. She was a very nice person, spoke fluent Japanese (I think) and not a word of English. Or Kiswahili. Or any other language. Her firm had 12 other Japanese who suffered from the same monolingual misfortune, misfate. I wanted to work with these people because I do not speak any Japanese and so we would have very few arguments. So the interview was me and her, at their conference room. She was speaking Jap, I was speaking English, sometimes Kiswahili. Both of us were smiling as expected of interviewers and interviewees during an interview. Upto today, no one, not myself, not Dr. Mitzuko knows whether I got the job. She did not have sufficient grounds to give me or deny me that position. Actually, I think that was my best interview yet.
I have attended a good number of interviews, and had the bad fortune of interviewing quite a number of people, for various positions; legal officers, medical officers, drivers, radio presenters, finance officers, dancers. My main qualification for attending interviews seems to be my ability to breathe in and out. My main qualification of being in panels is spatial disorientation, that I am often lost and end up at the wrong place, wrong time.
For instance, I once went to see a friend about a thing. Then it happens he is interviewing for a bouncer. ‘Hey, Charlie, could you help me....’ They would come in, remove their shirts, flex, a few questions, go. We had no idea what we were looking for. Muscle size? Mean face? We had a small incident. We had not factored for female bouncers. This lady walked in and we asked her to remove her shirt. We did not know how else to ‘interview’
Anyway, we gave the job to this guy called Wes because he did not listen to anything and did not answer any question, just like any bouncer.
‘Tell us your name please?’
“Zii, hakuna kitu. Get out!”
“Why do you want this job?”
“Ok, we’re not discussing any further!” he growled, banged his fist on the table and pushed us to get out. We got out, then realised the confusion, went back in. Or tried. He refused to let us back into our offices, we tried to explain that it was our office, and he had just come for an interview, but he would have none of it. So we went home, came back at 5.10pm, when he was going home.
But most interviews are the same annoying questions and the same lying answers. And no one is listening. Most of us are boring and average, making life very hard for a panellist. But some are outstanding, and make it easy for one to strike your name off the shortlist.
“What are your weaknesses?” Why do we ask this?
Whoever inserted this slip of the tongue into interviews? What do you expect to hear? My weaknesses is hunger. I was once hungry, I ate all my workmates. I forgot and ate the boss too, that is why am jobless.
No seriously, why we ask this I don’t know. I notice everyone lies here, and everyone knows we’re lying, and they don’t care. The most common is to take your strongest point and double it. Say you have too much of it. I am too good. I am too detailed. I learn too fast. I dress too well. I am too kind. I am too sweet.
There was this African who I was interviewing for a friend who wanted an accountant for his Law firm. After a fairly boring 30 or so minutes, we’re getting to the end, “what are your weaknesses”. He told us his weakness is that he has no time for short-tempered people. “I have this boss who is always losing his temper and threatening other staff. This makes me very very angry” he said. “Why should someone lose his temper at work and threaten others? Eh?” He is now shouting, fuming, banging the table. This story is really making him angry. “Why why waaaaaaaaiiii!!!!” he cried.
There was once this young chap, he kept exclaiming, Jesus! At everything. There is that part where we give you a hypothetical situation and ask you how you would handle it. We’re testing some skill. Not very unlike those ones of KCPE, ati
Q. 12. You find 100 bob on the floor of the classroom, do you:
a. Go buy cigarettes,
b. Buy beer,
c. Buy a sweet or
d. Give your teacher?
He would say, ‘Jesus! No! I would give it to the teacher! Jesus!’
He did not get the job. We had advertised for a peer educator, a Muslim peer educator. When we called to say he did not get the job, he asked why, we told him that we wanted a Muslim, and he is not. He said, “Jesus! You guys are sharp! How did you tell?”
Its usually small things like that that matter in an interview. They never listen to what you’re saying; they are just looking at you, looking for something to tell them you’re a racist or a tribalist, any-ist. If you have a small head, you’re not in. You’ll make mine look too big.
When they call you for an interview, the job is yours. An interview letter (these days it could be an SMS) might as well say. ‘Hi we’re giving you this job, but want to give you a chance to give us a reason not to give you this job’
Remember, the panel is just as nervous as you are, if not more. So if you relax and smile, you help them relax and they smile. If they are relaxed, they are more likely to see your good qualities. And we like people who make us relax; we detest people who make us nervous. I was interviewing for a driver for an MP (I was at the wrong place, wrong time). His previous driver had died in a road accident. The MP believed that the dead driver was paid by his foes to try to kill him. And that the chap who got him that driver was in the deadly plot. So I had to make sure that I got the right driver. A driver who has not been known to kill himself trying to kill an MP. I wasn’t sure how to phrase my questions. “Eh, have you ever killed yourself in a road accident?”
As with most things in life, don’t take interviews or interviewing too seriously. I remember this time we were looking for a clown for a Christmas event for a Nairobi Mall. This guy came and had many jokes; he made us laugh till we were crying like little babies. When he left, my boss said, ‘Is that guy serious? He is such a joker!’ Duh, he wants to be a clown.
I have attended a good number of interviews, and had the bad fortune of interviewing quite a number of people, for various positions; legal officers, medical officers, drivers, radio presenters, finance officers, dancers. My main qualification for attending interviews seems to be my ability to breathe in and out. My main qualification of being in panels is spatial disorientation, that I am often lost and end up at the wrong place, wrong time.
For instance, I once went to see a friend about a thing. Then it happens he is interviewing for a bouncer. ‘Hey, Charlie, could you help me....’ They would come in, remove their shirts, flex, a few questions, go. We had no idea what we were looking for. Muscle size? Mean face? We had a small incident. We had not factored for female bouncers. This lady walked in and we asked her to remove her shirt. We did not know how else to ‘interview’
Anyway, we gave the job to this guy called Wes because he did not listen to anything and did not answer any question, just like any bouncer.
‘Tell us your name please?’
“Zii, hakuna kitu. Get out!”
“Why do you want this job?”
“Ok, we’re not discussing any further!” he growled, banged his fist on the table and pushed us to get out. We got out, then realised the confusion, went back in. Or tried. He refused to let us back into our offices, we tried to explain that it was our office, and he had just come for an interview, but he would have none of it. So we went home, came back at 5.10pm, when he was going home.
But most interviews are the same annoying questions and the same lying answers. And no one is listening. Most of us are boring and average, making life very hard for a panellist. But some are outstanding, and make it easy for one to strike your name off the shortlist.
“What are your weaknesses?” Why do we ask this?
Whoever inserted this slip of the tongue into interviews? What do you expect to hear? My weaknesses is hunger. I was once hungry, I ate all my workmates. I forgot and ate the boss too, that is why am jobless.
No seriously, why we ask this I don’t know. I notice everyone lies here, and everyone knows we’re lying, and they don’t care. The most common is to take your strongest point and double it. Say you have too much of it. I am too good. I am too detailed. I learn too fast. I dress too well. I am too kind. I am too sweet.
There was this African who I was interviewing for a friend who wanted an accountant for his Law firm. After a fairly boring 30 or so minutes, we’re getting to the end, “what are your weaknesses”. He told us his weakness is that he has no time for short-tempered people. “I have this boss who is always losing his temper and threatening other staff. This makes me very very angry” he said. “Why should someone lose his temper at work and threaten others? Eh?” He is now shouting, fuming, banging the table. This story is really making him angry. “Why why waaaaaaaaiiii!!!!” he cried.
There was once this young chap, he kept exclaiming, Jesus! At everything. There is that part where we give you a hypothetical situation and ask you how you would handle it. We’re testing some skill. Not very unlike those ones of KCPE, ati
Q. 12. You find 100 bob on the floor of the classroom, do you:
a. Go buy cigarettes,
b. Buy beer,
c. Buy a sweet or
d. Give your teacher?
He would say, ‘Jesus! No! I would give it to the teacher! Jesus!’
He did not get the job. We had advertised for a peer educator, a Muslim peer educator. When we called to say he did not get the job, he asked why, we told him that we wanted a Muslim, and he is not. He said, “Jesus! You guys are sharp! How did you tell?”
Its usually small things like that that matter in an interview. They never listen to what you’re saying; they are just looking at you, looking for something to tell them you’re a racist or a tribalist, any-ist. If you have a small head, you’re not in. You’ll make mine look too big.
When they call you for an interview, the job is yours. An interview letter (these days it could be an SMS) might as well say. ‘Hi we’re giving you this job, but want to give you a chance to give us a reason not to give you this job’
Remember, the panel is just as nervous as you are, if not more. So if you relax and smile, you help them relax and they smile. If they are relaxed, they are more likely to see your good qualities. And we like people who make us relax; we detest people who make us nervous. I was interviewing for a driver for an MP (I was at the wrong place, wrong time). His previous driver had died in a road accident. The MP believed that the dead driver was paid by his foes to try to kill him. And that the chap who got him that driver was in the deadly plot. So I had to make sure that I got the right driver. A driver who has not been known to kill himself trying to kill an MP. I wasn’t sure how to phrase my questions. “Eh, have you ever killed yourself in a road accident?”
As with most things in life, don’t take interviews or interviewing too seriously. I remember this time we were looking for a clown for a Christmas event for a Nairobi Mall. This guy came and had many jokes; he made us laugh till we were crying like little babies. When he left, my boss said, ‘Is that guy serious? He is such a joker!’ Duh, he wants to be a clown.
You don’t have to be like the Nuremberg Trials Judges as an interviewer.
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