I Had A Dream

At approx 1237, I carried an empty folder and marched straight to my car and passed away. I resurrected at roughly 1452hrs, rubbed my eyes and promptly marched back to my desk.

I omit certain very important details here. Material facts you might say. I was woken up by my own snoring, which apparently had also woken up all the watchmen from all nearby offices. I make a mental note to write a paper on called ‘Positive Effects of Snoring’ or ‘Snoring and Security – the noisy link’. Then we can do a song and a children’s short story. Maybe even t-shirts. The tropical heat at noon affects everyone.

So anyway, I wake up, and I have completely forgotten where I was, or who and why I was. The car’s sun roof was open, so the first thing I saw was a big giant cotton candy moving towards me at a very high velocity (E=MC2). I had heard of death by chocolate, this was death by candy. I screamed.

The killer cotton candy, I figured, was K-tray and Zo’s preferred murder weapon. On Halloween, I wore a mask resembling Jennie’s ancestors and terrified them from 1300 to roughly 1900hrs. I laughed till I developed a six-pack, killer cubes on my tummy, and completely ran out of laughter tears, had to borrow some from the crying glands, but unfortunately, they were empty. Apparently if you don’t cry for more than 20 years, they stop making tears. I didn’t know this. Anyhow, I quickly figured that K-tray and Zo were revenging by killing me.

I turn to run, but am belted (how now brown cow?) so can’t move. And that is when I see the guards. Wekesa and Mutua, from across the road. In his deep kindness, Wekesa smiles and waves. In my stuporous state, this smile that reveals a set of strong brown teeth makes him look like the Count of Dracula, however, when he waves, Wekesa now looks like Idi Amin. And General Idi is pointing a gun at me, Mutua rarely smiles on normal occasions, and I don’t mind. But now he looks like General Matakwei of the Sabaot People’s Defence Force. So 2 dangerous highland nilotes have converged to send me away. 2nd scream. This was a healthier louder one. But these children of Lucifer are unmoved.

Then my processor starts working, and the killer candy can now be clearly seen as just a mass of droplets or frozen crystals suspended in the atmosphere above the surface of the Earth, clouds, moving cumulus clouds. I am a little relieved, but only momentarily. These cannot be normal masses of droplets or frozen crystals suspended in the atmosphere above the surface of the Earth, not from the colour and altitude. Even their attitude is suspect. They’re dark white and only 3 feet from my car’s roof. They’re also faster than Bolt would have run had that baby Cheetah he was toying at Nairobi National park as much as yawned. And now my car is the Titanic, off the coast of Somalia, caught in a big storm, a tempest caused by a meteor, which will shortly end the world, and still 2 Somali pirates (Wekesa and Mutua) are waiting to hijack us. They’re also swaying widely and wildly from side to side, even pirates are not immune to storms. And at a different frequency from my Titanic, so to keep my eye on them, am having to move my head side to side at a slightly higher frequency, which I compute to be MC2. All this whilst maintaining a low pitched scream is no mean feat. I was never good at multi-tasking.

I want to pray, but am unsure which is the guardian saint of storms (caused by meteors that will end the world yet Somali pirates will kill you if you survive the end of the world – which you can’t btw). There are about 4,000 saints, most created by Sean Paul the Pope (a dutty yeah). These are sort of important ex-people who accelerate prayers and can suspend the laws of nature. I was also uncertain whether it would make sense to ask the heavens to take this cup away, yet it must have been carefully planned many years ago for a reason. Unless of course the reason was to make me pray and find the reason, then pray for it to be changed. Also, at an Aloe Vera convention on the ground floor of my office building, just before I got into my car, I heard a beautiful lady advising another to pray for God to open her pores. Just apply Aloe Vera twice daily, then pray to God to open your facial pores she was told. God might be very busy with this very small minute delicate surgery.

And now my Pentium 2 processor is running at 50% and my RAM has loaded the full 8MB. I am now more alert, discerning. I attempt a smile and wave away Wekesa and his pal. Rub my eyes, and perambulate back to my desk. Hallucinogenic effects of working no doubt.