Kangemi: The Cradle Of Mankind

(this scientific treatise is long, take the day off)

Will Ferrelll, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn in a movie called Old School, way funny movie. I bought the original DVD from HMV (yah right), I watched it and I laughed so hard and so long, had to be taken to Aga Khan Hospital. Got there, was asked for my smart card, like the nakumatt smart card, so Aga Khan smart cards. They give cards to frequent sickers. The more times you fall sick, the more points. I didn’t have this card. Sidtressss. The Egyptian doctor encouraged me not to despair, ‘just fall sick, anything, we’re not choosy’. Of course by this time I was not laughing anymore.

Back Ache (just a little, nothing serious)

That was the last dream I had before I woke up. I mean the big WAKE up. The one you never go back to sleep till around 5 am. The movie was real though, watch it if you can (is there Braille movies for the unsighted? Like Braille DVDs? If not, shame on you Bush).

Now Am Hungry (its 3.57am, not going to eat)

I was woken up by some bird chirping on that jacaranda tree right outside my (technically its Zo’s) room. I think it’s was having insomnia too, I mean, do birds sing at night for real. Is this some sign? Ill omen? Luck, of the bad variety that I have gotten accustomed to? I decided to google, then got distracted. This internet thing is not good, it’s like a supermarket when you need a small soda asap. I swear, I once went into nakumatt to buy a newspaper. I came out with a kilo of 4 inch nails, a Hungarian microwave, precooked meatballs, a box of multi vitamins, jik and opened a bank account. And a bottle of brandy from South Africa (zii, si hiyo ya shoe lace, kale kadogo). I miss kiosks.


Parker Lewis can’t loose

So am in bed, its 1 am. The bird is singing. Zo gives me two of his best kicks, in the tummy, I take it like a man.

My mind wanders. I am thinking of my recent travels. I was driving though a former place called Kakamega last month. It used to be a town. Now its old buildings, many trees and hawkers. Its smells of mandazi. I notice that the people in this town all came from Kangemi. Probably many many years ago, maybe 1660, when Daniel Moi was only a small boy. They speak exactly the same as the people in Kangemi (I know Rebecca says she lives in Kibera, but I doubt it). A bit faster and without looking at each other. They laugh easily. For instance, you would say, ‘am stressed, then unleash a loud hearty sincere infectious laugh. Only, they don’t say ‘stress’ they say ‘sidtressss’ it’s the local slang. You say ‘Muliro kardens’ instead of ‘Muliro gardens’ etc. Its way cool.

Everyday People, Arrested Development

Am here visiting some development projects. Its an intervention aimed at improving people’s lives (thankfully, imagine if it wasn’t). The work started in one district about 6 years ago, and without adding even a single village, Kibaki increased our coverage to 6 districts. Vihiga district is the most densely populated in the country. I suspect in the whole universe. Land sizes are about as big as my new big plasma TV which is upstairs connected with the Sony 6 disc home theatre system bought in Tokyo during the last visit when I was passing by from another visit to another part of Tokyo. These small pieces of land are best suited for intensive, high value crops and small ruminants. Not the maize and large dairy cows that these farmers used to keep. So am here to discuss with farmers how best they can make use of their TV size farms.

No Hotels

Serious, there are only 2 hotels in this town. (Ok, that was a short paragraph)

Tourist Attraction

There are no tourist attractions. (Another short one) Actually, I had been told that bird watching is big here. I try it. I quickly learn that the birds with long hair, colourful tops and tight jeans have only recently come from Kangemi, and are probably heading back soon. I wonder if that bird tweeting outside migrated from this ex-place? Or from Kangemi?

Shabba Ranks

So they were in Kangemi and migrated to Western province, due to population pressure. A few went to Westlands, Mombasa and one is in Karen and I hear some have moved to south C. They’re big and of strong stock, stand firm, with biceps the size of my car’s tyres, and chest like my old TV. And that’s just the women. Born to breed.

Cold Tempers

I was in this bar watching the 2 people inside watching me. He looked like a retired banker, same bank, same branch for 350 years, retired, was given a wheel barrow and gum boots and a clock. He has a pick up outside, and an old newspaper and a well worn t-shirt from Bank Kenya Ltd. Mild chap. He suspects I am about to dig a borehole and wants to be the first to know. These retirees are spread out, one per pub across the whole ex town. May their souls rest in peace (not now, later, when they die)

(Malaria)

The other chap is the waiter, with a funny temper. He doesn’t raise his voice. Mainly because it’s already a little high considering he is leaning so close to me, I can see his thoughts. He avoids eye contact, but I can tell from his eyes, his biggest fear in life is malaria. Then serikali.

He semi-shouts, ‘si useme pwana. Kwani utakunywa nini. Kama umekuja tu kukaa hapa, hapana pwana’

‘Beer baridi tafadhali’ I do my imitation of the Prince of Wales speaking Swahili.

He proceeds to bring a warm one.

‘Chief, nipee beer baridi, hii ni warm’ I state calmly, suddenly taking a keen interest in the patterns on my hand. I can’t look at this guy. I’ll laugh out loud.

‘Sasa hizi ndio mchezo si pendi. Unaona? Eh? (telling no one in particular, looking at an empty table) Unataka moto ama paridi? Eh? Amua pwana. Niambie mara moja, customer hapa ni wengi, sio wewe pekee ala’

I look around; it’s me and the retired banker only, ‘Beer baridi tafadhali’ I repeat, this time I am imitating Wamalwa. May his soul rest in peace.

He walks away dragging his feet (not Wamalwa, the waiter, if it was Wamalwa, he’d have floated away in a miasma, like a spirit) muttering ‘esh mara paridi, mara moto, hata sisi tumeishi Nairobi pwana. Wacha uwivu yako, ala’. He leans forward and sideways as he walks straight to the bar at an angle theta MC2, the most serious challenge to date of Newton’s laws of motion.

They don’t need smart cards here.

Melancholia

I am not a racist, but this un-town is ugly. I drive south to Kisumu after work. There is no road between Kisumu and the place formerly known as Kakamega, but you’re advised to stick to the grey dots of ex-tarmac. Luckily for me, the Landcruiser didn’t notice this moonscape, it actually thought I was on a good road.

Bats and Butts

Kisumu smells like a bat. Or a gecko. Warm and humid. Here all the women are generally huge and have very big behinds, most drink lager (rather than, say wine in Nairobi for over 35, the rest in Nbi drink viceroy, sorry Izo), they like dancing to live music and are more likely to shout than to eh not shout. For instance, ‘how have you been’ is usually, ‘EI, HAOW HAAAVE YOU BEiN EI?’ don’t spell check; I know what I am doing. And the men are exactly the same as the women. Only that the women are very attractive even though they wear weaves and have oily faces.

And this has nothing to do with tribe. It’s just Kisumu. Once you’re here, you’re like that.

Another thing, women here are not impressed by money. This impresses me, because that’s not my strong suit (ignore that TV mentioned earlier. Btw, did I mention my new hush puppies?). Not that I was trying to impress them, am generally introverted, deep deep inside. I just like how this fact annoys the men. I think they have been immunised by Kisumu men who are generally show offs. And violent. I am liking this town and it is liking me back.

The middle and upper classes here live in 1987. They speak English that dates back to Oliver Cromwell. The PC knows your whole family, this is very valued here.

Again, you should never generalise, everyone is an exception to all these descriptions.

Historically, they migrated from 1969, and are very attached to their origins. They don’t break traffic rules, are very generous, are polygamous and loyal to friends from way back (1987) and committed to ideals (from 1969).

Ok, now am tired, I think I’ll try and sleep.

Falling Standards of Calculus Teaching in Msingi Bora

Wait! Ok, the Secret (book, DVD) promotes positive thinking, if you think it, you’ll attract it, think of your new car, new house, new job, and you’ll get it. However, others say if you think about it, you’ll jinx it, don’t count your chicks before they text and say they’re at the gate of carnivore, please come and pay the cab, then pay entrance. ‘btw, I came with my cousin-sister (only in Kenya) and 6 of my closest friends for life (only in Kenya)’. Then they giggle.

As I am about to sleep, am choosing which to do, dream it, or avoid it. I decide to play safe, dream about the 3rd floor of my new dream house. If I jinx it, at least I will have 2 floors, if it works, well, can’t have a 3rd floor on air.

Life before death

But alas, lahaula. Things fall apart. The centre will not hold. The River Between. When did the rain start beating us? My life in crime, Son of woman, Murogi wa Kagogo. Cheesus! am not dreaming of my dream house! There is a mix-up somewhere, now am dreaming of that annoying bird singing outside, complete with soundtrack. But the little birdie now has a red dot on its chest. A little comforting, that last bit. This image is soothing and puts me to sleep. Smiling.